A Stupid Love Letter

Elizabeth Flores, Columnist

A year has gone by since we first started talking. 365 days since you convinced me to leave the rumors aside and give you a try. 12 months ago I wouldn’t imagine feeling all this love towards you. And 52 weeks have gone by since I could’ve walked away from you and avoided all the tears but I choose you instead. So now, let this be just one more stupid love letter you are never going to read.

Do you remember that night when I said it hurts? That night you sat on your couch and I cried in your lap hopelessly, you had no idea why tears where rolling down my cheeks and to be honest if didn’t know either. Yet you still carried me and placed me on top of you. You told me everything was going to be fine. You hugged me, and made me laugh with stupidest thing you could think of, and it worked. You tried so hard to make me smile that night.

“Beautiful people don’t cry remember” you said to me. With that one sentence I knew I had a little hope to feel okay. It wasn’t only a compliment, it didn’t make me feel pretty, and it was nothing close to that. It gave me hope that someone found a beautiful side to the mess I was becoming.  And when I was finally done weeping I understood how much I really liked you. I wanted to stay with you that night. I felt like if I left your side I would have to face the horrible reality once more and you looked at me like if you knew what I was thinking. That night you smiled at my anxiety and said that one day ill wipe away your tears. And that night I realized how much you loved me and how badly I wanted us to be forever.

Yes boy, I miss you, I really do. I’m constantly looking at my phone and hoping it’s you that texts me. That maybe at this very moment you’ll show up and erase that empty feeling inside me. I’m usually awake all night thinking of the time I last spoke to you and try to recall if I said anything wrong to make you walk away. However I’m not only missing you, I’m missing me- the joyful and cheerful girl that always came to life when she was near you. I’m not sure if you too go back to those old conversations or get flashbacks of my smile and horrible laugh or if you have the eagerness to talk to me or message me at 2 in the morning hopefully you do. Because I do.

I know you have been called a jerk and a heartless human being. This only creates a dent in your expression because when you do express your feelings, you are still being judged. I know that anyone will feel drained being in a relationship with a complicated person like you but I know your softer side. I know that you love companionship even though you don’t express it well. There are too many mysteries to you, that I came to realize, are found in your softer side, the vulnerable side of you. Though you might wear an exterior that screams “I’m complicated” there is a human being worthy to be loved in you. And I will always love you and I’ll always be willing to fix those complications.

I’ve understand that you aren’t a bad person. You were only sheltered because of the way you were raised and how you never wanted to be like your father.  You loved your father completely and unconditionally, you asked for nothing in return. It was him. Stop blaming yourself, you are good enough, and you’ll always be better than him. He didn’t leave you because you were you. He left you because he was him. Boy, you are you. You’re tall and cute, caring and thoughtful, you’re worth the love, and I guess some people just don’t realize that.

To be honest I don’t know why you’re with her when you had me. Yeah, I guess you like her and thought she was pretty, but there should be more to that. Maybe your happy because you meet her father, (I swear I was just waiting for the perfect moment). Or because she wears Spiderman sweaters (I would try my best every morning to look good just for you). Maybe because you’ll still see her for another year (I was thinking about staying here, just for you). Or because she isn’t as clingy as me (I just really liked hugging you). Or she doesn’t rant about how bad her hair looks (hair was the second thing I took care of, you being the first). I’m sorry for not being her, but you could’ve given me a sign. Something that made realize I shouldn’t get too attached. You were right, “people change Elizabeth, feelings change” and I guess you showing me how you loved me didn’t make me realize how much you’ve changed.

Boy, all I ask is for you to open your eyes and realize she doesn’t love you. No I’m not only saying this because I want you with me, but because I pay attention to you two and notice how she is. I notice that she isn’t with you when she’s supposed to.  She doesn’t make you feel like you’re the only thing that matters to her. Her eyes don’t shine when she gets off the bus. She doesn’t wait anxiously for lunch time. She doesn’t love you. She cares about you and that’s nothing close to love. Now, I just want you to be happy, and if it’s not with me, it’s okay. But you can find someone better than her. Not that she’s not pretty, she’s is, but she’s sure not someone your love deserves. And I’m pretty sure she out of everyone knows how I feel about you. She out of everyone should understand that I need you, and I know she does, even if she denies it. She knows everything, I’ve talked to her, just ask her.

I surely don’t know how this situation has impacted me in. I don’t know if I’ve become strong or weaker. Maybe I don’t cry as much anymore. I don’t hide from you anymore, I’ve actually mentioned you name in public without my losing my voice. Yet, again I still do get sad when I see you. I can’t look at you straight in the eyes without having the urge to punch you. And now every moment runs in my head and I can stop it. It’s been a few months now, and I can’t get over you yet.

Now, you may be wondering why I don’t talk to you or fight for you, and trust me I have thought of going up to you and saying hi. I have dialed your phone number many nights. I have wanted to text your mom to ask her about you but I never gather courage to actually committee to it. You want to know why? Because I’m afraid you’ll pretend like I was never anything to you. That by now you’ve forgotten everything we had been through. I’m scared you’ll introduce her to me as someone you love. I’m terrified of you coming to me and asking me for help. I’m just scared of not being as important to your life like you have been to mine.

You know I still have hope we’ll be back together soon and deep inside I know you want us to be back to how we were. But I really don’t know what’s stopping you. I’m still waiting for that day you’ll have the courage to come up to me and explain what happened. That day I’ll start getting better. Now, I’m just left to wait. Wait to see if you’ll leave her, if you’ll come back.

However there is a little hope left in me that wishes for someone better. Someone who actually wants me for who I am. Someone who is willing to be with me at any cost. I’ve come to realize that I shouldn’t close my heart just because you left it unattended. I’m ready for someone to come; I’m ready for someone to say they like me and want me to give them a chance. I’m waiting for someone to do exactly what I would do for you. And yes maybe you’ll come back, but in the mean time that you’re happy with her I can be happy with someone else too.

I’ve been called blind for not paying attention to the truth that is placed in front of me, but it’s not only that I care about. I go deeper into detail. Worry about what I feel and what I think, and maybe that’s wrong but I know it will be worth it one day. One day this “Stupid Love Letter” will remind you of how much I loved you. Of how much I needed you. That I was really worth it.  You’ll realize that she’s nothing compared to what I was to you. You’ll want to come back and maybe just maybe I’ll be here waiting for you. But then again, maybe ill fall in love with someone that notices all the love I could offer. And it will be a little too late.

So now, let this be just one more stupid love letter you might never read.