Dear You,

The problem is I don’t know what I want from you. I have so many things I wish to say but you don’t even want to hear from me. There are endless routes I could take to contact you, but what would be the purpose if you’ll ignore me anyway? One minute I want to send you a hateful letter, scribbled in anger and burning red with the intent on hurting you and then a moment later I want to send you a love letter reminding you of the ways in which I ache and ask for you hopelessly. However I will never make up my mind so here I go hopefully explaining both hateful and lovable sides of me.

I lay here in my bed at 3:30 in the morning wondering how is that all this happened without me noticing. You left me without answering the simplest question, you abandoned me while I slowly died, you left without saying goodbye and that is what hurts me the most. The thought of you hunts me thought the night. I am tormented with your blissful memories that aren’t even memories at all. While you rest in your bed peacefully without any damage I’m awaken by that one question burning in my mind.

You shined so bright for me, you were my lighthouse. You made me believe that I was you’re everything. You gave me the courage to fight and be strong. You made me believe I shouldn’t be afraid, that I could be someone as long as I tried. You made me feel those butterflies every day, with every kiss, with every laugh, with every touch. When I lay beside you the whole world would disappear, it was only you and me at the moment, and no one else. You protected me and handed me a solution to my problems I fell in love with you without even notice. I liked it all, I enjoyed what you made me feel, everything was just perfect. But your selfish ways took that light and you used it all upon yourself. I trusted you with what was left of my heart, and you just snatched the love away without giving me a reason why. To think that you always wanted an explanation to every little problem. How could you.

Now here I am trapped in a dream that will not let me go, a dream which I can’t wake up from. A dream that makes me not want to sleep. I now fear the dark and what it brings with it. I can’t be left alone without becoming a mess. You knew how much I wanted my life to be a fairytale; you knew how reality made me sad. You knew my love for a happy ending grew every day, then why would you lead me down the brick road to just dump me half way in between reality and my dreams. You are a sick soul, a cold soul which I despise and hate. A soul that deserves no love, you deserve to be punished for all eternity. You deserve to not be thought about or desired by anyone. But the worst part here is that I still love you. I still want to be with you. I still think and desire you. But to make the matter even worst, it’s that you know that, you know how I feel for you and yet you still left me.

The funny thing is that you can talk to me about your life with the new girl you are with and I won’t mind. I know why you choose her, she is an impressive girl filled with humor and everything you want, and let’s not forget, she’s is beautiful. I know I’m the complete opposite of her; I’m boring, weak, and not pretty at all. I’m insecure and indecisive I’m nothing like her, or nothing like anyone to be exact. Can I tell you a secret? You made me feel beautiful. You made me feel happy and I always had a smile on my face because of you. You give her the compliments that would always melt my heart. You show her that smile that I enjoyed seeing after a bad day, you hug her and made her feel safe, you placed your lips on her lips and made the world stop. You look at her directly in the eyes and she now knows she wants this for the rest of her life. I’m positive she fell for you for the same reasons I did. Maybe it was because you scream that stupid song while hanging on a tree. Or maybe because you make that funny face that many think as creepy but I love. Or maybe it’s for those moments you would run out of my room and hide. Or how we would get mad but then no more than five minutes pass and ill smile and things would go back to normal. Or remember when you would always act like a little boy just to get a kiss from me. Oh, and when you would give me random notes in class so you could be the highlight of my day. Oh please tell me boy, what did I do wrong? Why wasn’t I enough?

Maybe all I want is you, but then again I may just want a warm-blood next to me, like a dog or a cat. No, who am I kidding I’m pretty sure I want you and at times I’m convince you want me too. However that thought vanishes after I realize if you really did, you’ll call, or text, or at least cared that time I almost died remember the night I cried and you cried next to me. That night I understood we were too beautiful and so naive and so perfect and so good to be true. Days next to you would go by so fast, pictures would pile up after every moment together, we would laugh at every dumb memory. It was perfect, it felt perfect, but maybe it just looked perfect through my eyes. No one ever thought me how to do this, you know, be with someone. I would’ve never imagined that someone like me, with all my rages, imperfections, melodramatics tendencies and fears would end up with someone like you. You promised you’ll be the one to save me, but then again you said some promises are meant to be broken.

Wait, how could I forget that it was me who gave you many chances after all your stupid actions? It was me who left aside all the rumors. It was me who changed for you. I made this relationship; I gave it all I had. My grades went down because of you, I would spend countless nights crying hoping we’ll get better, it was all me. I put the effort in this stupid relationship. I gave you everything I could, I let you inside my messed up world, and I trusted you not only as a boyfriend but also as a friend. I know you 100 percent, I know what gets you mad, and what makes you sad, and I know what movie you like to see when you’re sick. And the drink you’ll get to remind you of your childhood. I know all and a lot more, why? Because I shoved everything aside and took the time to learn the little things about you. And I bet you anything, that you don’t even know my favorite color. But you’re so lucky that I would do it all over again if I could. I would live through it once more just to feel happy and beautiful. And maybe if I do, you’ll actually stay with me thru it all and not leave without saying goodbye. But no you’re just a coward that’s too proud to say you made a mistake. So now boy do you understand why I’m a mess? Can you please tell me why did you do this?

Now my loneliness cannot be fed with human interaction. My thoughts cannot be quite with the loud music. I can not be forgotten with intoxication. I cannot be comfort with pillows and blankets. The feeling to not having you by my side is unbearable and the worst part is that I’m getting used to it and I hate it. Hopefully one day you read this letter and come back to answer all my questions. May be we can go out for coffee and you’ll fall in love with me once more. Maybe you’ll realize that I didn’t deserve this and you’ll say, “I did it because..”

Sincerely Me, the girl who will be here for you even after you did this.

PS.  And so this letter came to be nothing but another love letter written to you from me. Maybe it’s because I can’t find the hateful side or maybe it’s because I’m not trying hard enough, but oh well you still won’t understand how much I love you.