Wondering and Thinking

 Blogs are meant to express ones thought, feelings, and opinions, so this is what I’m going to do.

This summer was my last summer as a high school student which I believed was going to be one of the best, however I was wrong. Yes I had my good days next to my family, friends, and boyfriend, yet I will never forget that one day that changed my way of thinking.

I haven’t really talked to anyone about this into detail but I think it time.

It was my birthday, my boyfriend decided to go and eat, but he couldn’t pick me up, so I told my dad to drive me. We had just returned from a trip from Mexico, so I took this bag with souvenirs I had brought back for him. I got in the truck and we drove off.

My dad and I were having this conversation about how to pick the right people to hang out with and trust. “Just keep in mind that all people aren’t here to make your life easier. Don’t trust…” he stopped talking.

He started making this sound with his mouth, like if it was dry and he needed water. He blinked a couple of times and then he persignate (did the cross sign) I was scared. He never does that in public, only in church or when passing by it.

“STOP dad! Please papi, ya parate,” I keep telling him to stop driving. At a moment I thought he was going to do it, he got closer to the sidewalk, and I was ready to get off and check if he was okay, but then he moved back to the traffic. We were curving and just driving through all the cars. He couldn’t move, I was screaming, I didn’t know what to do. He had no control of his body much less the car. I took off my seat belt and got hold of wheel. I tried my best to avoid the cars. I knew we were going to crash, we had to crash. It was the only way to stop. His foot was pressing the gas petal and without him moving, controlling the wheel was my only choice.

Cars were honking. I was panicking and I was afraid. I finally decided to crash at the corner of a gas station. I moved the gear into parking… and ran out. My whole world shut down. I didn’t know what to do; I couldn’t see or hear anything other than him. Before I even noticed, a Border Patrol was helping control my dad. All I could do was cry and panic. After a while I became myself and this lady asked me if I was okay. And I was. My dad was also. We were alive.

For two weeks or so, I felt alone, I felt lost. I knew it was my fault. My mom didn’t want to talk about it, my dad didn’t either, and I didn’t talk to anyone about it. Seeing my mom react to my dad in the hospital bed broke my heart, much more when I myself walked into the room. He wanted to see me, he wanted to talk about it, but we never seemed to have the guts to have a conversation. It was my fault. Everyone was said so. My sisters blamed me. It might have been an accident yet I could’ve prevented it.

Yet I was happy because it was my birthday, I turned 17 that day. I was so excited that I didn’t even pay attention to him. I didn’t ask if he felt sick or tired. I keep having nightmares since that day. I’m scared to get into a car with him. Every time I closed my eyes, I can see it; I don’t even have to try. The 5 minute scene that felt like hours to me reruns all day, and all week, and all month.

That Monday I could’ve lost him. My mom could’ve lost us. We would’ve lost our lives. I don’t want to live frighten from the future. Now I worry too much, I ask too many unanswerable questions, and I wonder more each day.

So my advice here is that life may be hard, but live it. Live every day like if it was your last. Life is too short to wake up with regrets or hate. Worry about you and the people that are worth caring for. Don’t let stupid stuff bring you down. Things happen for a reason, and eventually you’ll find what that reason was, or maybe you won’t care, because you’re perfect without it.